To all the Moms

The Invisible Mother......

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously, not.

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the ret urn of a friend from England ... Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for

myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:

'To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.


The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'


I closed the book, feeling the missing pieces fall into place.


It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'


At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.


I keep the right perspective when I see myself as20a great builder. As one of the people who shows up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
Great Job, MOM!

Sunny Days

We have had three days of blue skies! It is still freezing but it is fine by me, I just needed the sun.
I think that I am in desperate need of a vacation. I keep hearing about people going to Hawaii and I must say that sounds mighty fine. Not that I like strutting around in my bathing suit but just to lay in the warm sand and feel the warmth of the sun is very persuasive sounding. My parents are looking to buy a second home in sunny Florida so that would work too. I'm not sure how we're going to afford airfare anymore, it was much easier when we had two lap kids and we only had to buy 4 tickets. Don't get me wrong if my parents make the purchase, and it sounds like they are, we will find a way to fly south for the winter! Jason and I are vacation junkies and can't wait for school to be done so that we can travel again. We have been sooo blessed at how much of this world we have been privileged to see. I had always hoped that someday I would be able to go back to Europe but in this scary world I'm not so sure it's worth the risk. We have been talking about trying to go to General conference I'm not sure in our troop is ready this year or not. Anyway dreaming up vacations is so much fun when it's 40 degrees out!

Update

So Addalyn has had a rash since before New Year's we have been to the Dr 3 times. Today we will be seeing a dermatologist. Last week we had to wait for an hour in the waiting room and i had all four little ones! today I will have to take all 5. For those that don't know Payten completed her first week at "public school" last week. She has always struggled with reading and although she worked with a reading specialist last year we couldn't afford it this year so we have decided to try out the public rescources. It was an agonizing decision but i believe the best one for now. She is adjusting well but can't quite figure out why the boys tease her at recess. Hopefully she won't let the teasing get to her and hopefully for the boys sake they leave her alone I have been known to be quite the mama bear when the situation arises. it seems as if most everyone I talk to struggles with their kids education. I still like my Mormon school idea personally, and maybe someday the need will arise until then I will continue to make the best decisions I can for each of my kids, even when I struggle with self doubt everytime I do make one. In better news Jason is through one quarter and is doing well this quarter and is looking forward to doing clinicals in the hospital close to us. Avarie is home now and is doing well. I hope all of you have had a chance to go to her blog.

Seeking the joy in this life

I was without my computer for 9 days! It was very hard having to resort to things like looking things up in a book and calling to ask others for info. It was so isolating also! Well anyway I am back and hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and good ending to 2008. Can you believe it is 2009? Seems like yesterday it was 1999 and we spent the whole year preparing for the end when everything would crash on 1-1-2000! Good times! Well 2008 was a year for changes for sure. We had just had our fifth baby, bought our new house, had Jason start the last year of school and enjoyed lots of laughs and good memories. It was also the hardest year of my life. Enduring my Niece's illness has been the hardest trial that I have ever had to face. The emotional turmoil that it has presented on us is more than I ever thought I would be able to bear but I cannot deny seeing the Lord' s presences around every corner and have felt his arms lift me when I thought I could not bear anymore. I have such hope for this year that it will better than the last but I am not one that dwells on the past but uses the past for reflection. I have struggled to maintain my optimistic attitude lately but I am committed to remain hopeful and see the beauty in this life. I know we are meant to find the joy in this life so that is my resolution, Finding joy and recognizing it everyday. That is not something that has ever been hard for me but seeing leukemia take so much from my sweet Avarie has made it hard for me to see life as simply as before. I am forever changed but am determined to make it for the better.