Payten May turns 9

My Baby Girl will be 9 in a couple hours. We had her birthday party today. Her Aunt Shelley picked her up and took her for ice cream and then dropped her off at Jason's work. She then hung out with him and went to dinner. Each of the kids gets a date with dad for their birthday. While she was gone I redecorated her room. Jenell came over and helped me get things ready, thanks. She was so excited about her room she got a new bedspread, a hanging canopy, curtain, desk, rug and some new decorations. The whole family came to the party,minus my dad and Brandon. We had cupcakes, ice cream sundaes, and a pinata. Needless to say I love making my kids birthdays special but I am always glad when it is over.
Payten was a beautiful baby. She was born around 5:45pm on May 25, 1999 and weighed 7lbs 10oz. She was 19in long with a lot of dark hair. She was the first granddaughter on both sides but she was easy to love. Sometimes I can see the little girl she used to be reflecting in her and part of me is sad for that I will never get the chance to see the little girl she once was but I do love the kind compassionate young lady she is becoming but it is still hard to see her grow up. She has been with me half the amount of time I was with my parents before I got married. Sometimes I feel bad about the amount of responsibility we put on her we expect so much from her sometimes, I once heard something at church which truly made me ponder this. The first born have the most on their shoulders because they pave the way for the rest to follow and aspire to, Jesus was the first born and look and the responsibility he carried. So although I don't think that it's always fair I do try to make sure that she receives extra special privileges. My goal this year is to try extra hard to show more love to her sometimes in the hustle and bustle quality one on one time , outside of our school, is lost and as I'm so keenly aware the days seem to be passing me by.

An Angel Left Her Wings

© Tina M. Marascia

I have this little angel. For me she left her wings.
She has no idea how much happiness she truly brings.
She brightens up my days with her smiles and her laughs.
She helps me to remember all the blessings that I have.

Her face, it is so perfect, she's sweet and soft and pure.
Sometimes she can be willful and sometimes she is demure.
She tries her very hardest to please and do what's right.
She gives the greatest hugs from morning until night.

Every person that has known her sees this light within her soul
I know that in this whole great world, she has a special role.
She's helpful and considerate to everyone she knows
This light in her shines brighter as my angel grows.

When she sees someone is sad, it opens up her heart.
She wants to do all that she can; she wants to do her part.
She'll squeeze away the sorrow and make me forget about my pain.
She shows me where the sun is when we're hiding from the rain.

I know that God must love me, He showed me with His Grace
I knew just how completely when I saw my angel's face.
And in that very moment when she came into my world,
I knew that she was so much more than just my baby girl.

She would be my sunshine, with a sweetness that won't end.
And when she grows up one day she would be my closest friend.
She would be the reason I would always try my best.
For my little angel baby girl would be my greatest test.

When God entrusts to you an angel, who has left her wings for you.
Encircle her with love with everything you do.
Let her know God made her, and that He trusts you with her care.
Be sure to make time for special moments with her to share.

And when at night she finally says her prayers and goes to sleep
I Thank Him for my angel, and ask for him to always keep
A watchful eye and hand to protect her from this world.
Protect my little angel; protect my baby girl.

Staying grounded

Today I had every intention of completely cleaning my house but it seemed as if the more I did the more it looked like I hadn't done a thing. I felt as though I was floating around all day as time passed quickly although I moved slowly. Sometimes I feel like I am an observer of life and not a participant. I don't want to be an observer I really do want to feel engaged and sometimes I am but other times it's as if I am meandering through. Homeschooling as really helped me to focus in my efforts because It gives me a different sense of purpose than just being a mom, not that I think being a HS mom makes me better than others but it does in some ways make me a better me. My kids like being homeschooled and that has made my efforts feel rewarded but I still struggle a lot with feelings of inadequacies and fear of failing myself but mainly failing my kids. Why if I constantly have these worries don't I send them to public school and relieve myself of some of the pressure ,well don't think on my dark days it hasn't crossed my mind, I guess it comes down to devotion for me. Some people might be bothered by my reasons I do it but it is by no means an insult to others who don't feel the inclination to HS. I have been through public school myself and struggled in different areas so I knew when I had kids I'd do something different for them. Payten went to a charter school for two years and as great as it was I saw that even in a great school there's still lots of not great things. I hated how much school changed my sweet girl and I hated that when I asked what she learned today she'd cry about how mean some of the girls were to her and she had a "tummy ache " the next day when it was time for school. She was grumpy and tired almost everyday and when her brother and sister missed her and were so excited to see her when she got home she now was used to being around people her own age and viewed them as babies. I didn't start HS because I wanted to but had no choice when faced with the alternative in NC, no offense. I now got to be the one that witnessed all their milestones and the connection between my children was worth it all. Jason has never waivered in his support of me. Anytime I am feel frustrated with it he always listens and never has said put them in school he just reminds me that we've made the best decision for them but it is up to me. Sometimes that makes me mad because it makes me feel like it is all up to me but he then tells me that he wants the best for us all and he really wants me to HS but he would not force me. So when I haven't gotten my pep talk from Becky and I do start to feel like signing them up somewhere, sometimes it's boarding school, I picture my children's faces and remember something someone wise once said" I never said it would be easy only that it would be worth it"
My ultimate goal for my kids is not different from others , I want them to stay close to the church and be good people. So far so good.

Good to read when your ready to pull your hair out, or theirs

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"

"Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"

God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"

God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray."

"Who will protect me?"

God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking it's life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."

God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."

"You will simply call her, 'Mom.'"

Just another manic Monday

Ok I'm doing the best I can with this blogging thing. I have to thank my family for bearing with me and helping me figure this crazy thing out. I now know how to do a little bit on my own. My friend Kirsten is having her baby as I type I am so excited for them. This will be there fifth, so welcome to the club. Having five kids to me has not been so much harder than four. Since Payten is such a wonderful help it has really made the transition smooth. I think Addalyn is getting her first tooth. She is getting so big and I do mean big, she weighs close to 19lbs. well I have to get going I'm having Jenell over for dinner and I need to go start it!

I am finally jumping feet first into this thing called a blog. How will I find the time to do this you might ask while still caring for my five babes, homeschooling them and spending quality time with my honey, well it is called multitasking! I hope to use this as an outlet for all my ranting and raving, cause guess what, I need one. I also want to better keep in touch with my friends and family without who I would not be me. These last few years we have moved across the country, twice, and have lived in six houses. January 31 we bought our beautiful home in Battle Ground, WA we hope to stay here for at least 2yrs, maybe longer. Jason is ready to finish up his nursing degree so by next year we should have this college thing behind us. We are going to be starting our third year of Homeschooling this year and despite a new baby and new house we made great progress this year and I wouldn't trade the time I've had with my children for anything. Well this is the summary, and for me you know this is some major summing.
I will hopefully write at least each week so please check back often and participate with me on this.