Staying grounded

Today I had every intention of completely cleaning my house but it seemed as if the more I did the more it looked like I hadn't done a thing. I felt as though I was floating around all day as time passed quickly although I moved slowly. Sometimes I feel like I am an observer of life and not a participant. I don't want to be an observer I really do want to feel engaged and sometimes I am but other times it's as if I am meandering through. Homeschooling as really helped me to focus in my efforts because It gives me a different sense of purpose than just being a mom, not that I think being a HS mom makes me better than others but it does in some ways make me a better me. My kids like being homeschooled and that has made my efforts feel rewarded but I still struggle a lot with feelings of inadequacies and fear of failing myself but mainly failing my kids. Why if I constantly have these worries don't I send them to public school and relieve myself of some of the pressure ,well don't think on my dark days it hasn't crossed my mind, I guess it comes down to devotion for me. Some people might be bothered by my reasons I do it but it is by no means an insult to others who don't feel the inclination to HS. I have been through public school myself and struggled in different areas so I knew when I had kids I'd do something different for them. Payten went to a charter school for two years and as great as it was I saw that even in a great school there's still lots of not great things. I hated how much school changed my sweet girl and I hated that when I asked what she learned today she'd cry about how mean some of the girls were to her and she had a "tummy ache " the next day when it was time for school. She was grumpy and tired almost everyday and when her brother and sister missed her and were so excited to see her when she got home she now was used to being around people her own age and viewed them as babies. I didn't start HS because I wanted to but had no choice when faced with the alternative in NC, no offense. I now got to be the one that witnessed all their milestones and the connection between my children was worth it all. Jason has never waivered in his support of me. Anytime I am feel frustrated with it he always listens and never has said put them in school he just reminds me that we've made the best decision for them but it is up to me. Sometimes that makes me mad because it makes me feel like it is all up to me but he then tells me that he wants the best for us all and he really wants me to HS but he would not force me. So when I haven't gotten my pep talk from Becky and I do start to feel like signing them up somewhere, sometimes it's boarding school, I picture my children's faces and remember something someone wise once said" I never said it would be easy only that it would be worth it"
My ultimate goal for my kids is not different from others , I want them to stay close to the church and be good people. So far so good.